Alexithymia, the Sapphic

Growing up I actually used to wish I was prideless; or a jaguar. My birthpride had hight expectations for the lionesses, from the way we groomed to the the things we hunted, to how many cubs we should have. I hated it; I hated the complete lack of self, the demanding snarls and the stress, and the infighting. It took a lot of convincing to finally be allowed to join a hunt; it took…nearly everything else when I left. I’d made a few friends on the prideless stretch, but starting my own pride was an act of spite. Who says a Mane has to be the leader of the pride?
I’ve taken this pride far in these five racing seasons I’ve ran it but I won’t deny it’s cost me…alot. I’ve given up so much to be where I am, and I expect there’ll be more yet to give in the future; so long as my friends and my pride stay out of that particular line of fire I have no complaints. The increase in what I saw after…the incident was….jarring. I’m just gonna say jarring and leave it at that; there are no words for what happened that night or what I experienced other than the fact that I probably shouldn’t be alive. Should I have claimed the very weapon used to..to….probably not, but hey it was fun to learn to wield it and I hope it’s first owner is drowning in the irony. Hopefully these…affects won’t pass down to my cubs; what they’ve already seemed to inherit so far is more than enough.
I don’t… I don’t even know what’s happening to me anymore; the crow spoke of a curse born to protect, but how tf am I supposed to protect ANYTHING when EVERYTHING HURTS? Is this some hidden side effect from rabies? I can see why it would drive a lesser animal mad. I almost collapsed on patrol the pain was so great. I don’t have time for this, I need answers…which I also don’t have time for.
The pain is gone..am I still even a lion?
…I’ve found a way to achieve some resemblance of what I once was; it hurts, and I can’t do it constantly—yet. The places I’ve had to go—the things I’ve learned stain me more than the after affects of the spell ever could, but I’ve carried this curse as agreed—I never agreed to carry it to my grave. Don’t you worry bird—I’m still just as formidable as you brought me back.
It’s…certainly been some moons since my…transformation? Reformation? Whatever you want to call it; I…I can’t have an opinion on anyone in My Pride; I can’t…I can’t..I think I’ve found my heir. The rest of the council must agree, and the pride must have no viable reason for her not to become leader; …she’s patient, willing to play into others while also ensuring she remains control of the sitiuation. Already I’ve seen her helping the other cubs despite the mockery she’s undergone because of it—in a clever sort of way I haven’t even thought of myself. I think…I know if she’s given a chance she’ll make a great leader.