Posted by Blood Memories

Wyndy (#8495)

Phoenix
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Posted on
2014-08-16 16:22:59
So I've started this book (another one! x.x) and would love some opinions and critiques. c:
I'll post chapters infrequently.
[for my own reference Edit]

Chapter 2 Enjoy! c:

If anyone would like to beta read the whole draft, as it's now complete, just shoot me a PM and I'll be happy to let you. I'm really hoping to get it rewritten and polished as much as possibly to give it to my mum for her birthday, so any other opinions would be fantastic. Thanks.
------
Naameh:

A world where you are known to all, yet known by none. A harsh world, unforgiving. Just as readily punishes as it rewards. That is the world to which I was born. The world I live in. The world that refuses to let me go, despite what I wish with all my heart.
I wish I could leave.
When I venture on the streets, I get stares, and bows. Curtseys from the women. They part for me, allowing me a free, uncluttered path through the streets. Children, dirty and hungry, but oh so alive, run ahead of me, clearing the worst of the mess so that I won’t put my precious feet in the muck.
I wish I could tell them not to.
But what I wish, what I want, doesn’t matter in this world. Nothing does. Except for what the people believe. They believe that I am a witch, a seer, an oracle, a goddess. Come to help them; to answer their prayers; to give them life again, a reason to have that life.
I don’t know.
I’ve never felt anything. Nothing. Not what they say I can do, not the whispered rumours in the dark of what I might do. Yes, I can light a fire without touching the wood. Yes, I can encourage a plant to grow from seed to flower in a few minutes. Yes, I can stir the air; make it dance, make it come alive with music and light. Yes, I can bring a gentle rain, nourishing those who need it.
I can do all those things.
But cause a storm? No. Raise the dead? Also no. Bewitch a man? It would be interesting, but no. Speak with the gods? Again, no.
I can’t.
Whenever I walk the streets, I am never alone. My guards trail me – at a respectful distance, of course. To keep me safe, they say. The streets are dangerous, they say. I’m a target, they say. So they come with me, and shatter the chances I have of meeting the people on the streets. The children who stare with wide eyes until parents nudge them. How I wish I could speak to them; learn of their hopes and dreams; play with them for a while. The women who curtsey and think that I don’t notice their envious glances at my clothing, my hair. How I wish I could swap with them; learn what it is like to be in their place. The men who bow, not even trying to hide their appreciation of my body, my beauty. How I wish I could give it away; to learn what it is like to be plain and dull, never catching anyone’s attention.
I wonder.
I wonder why I was born into this world. Why I was almost cursed with my gifts. Gifts of power and beauty, of wealth and riches. Why the gods saw fit to give this to me, when I do nothing.
Nothing.
I wish, for even just one day, that I could be forgotten. That I could venture outside on my own. No guards, no rich clothing. No way I could be recognised. Then maybe, I can understand. Maybe, I can understand their way of living, of working for their food, for their clothes, for their children. Working for their families.
I don’t work.
I never have. Never had to buy my food, buy my clothes. Never had to work. I suppose, perhaps in a past life, I once did. Maybe that’s why I remember it. The feeling of something new; of something homemade. I wish I could experience it again.
But I can’t.
They say my destiny is to help the people; to show them the way to the light. That it is why I am kept away from them, shut away in the temple. So I won’t get hurt, they say. But in a world where I am known to all, yet known by none, I don’t understand how that is possible.
Don’t I have to know the people to help them?



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Edited on 20/03/15 by WolfWynd (#8495)

The Twilight Zone (#10656)

Devastator
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Posted on
2014-08-18 14:42:27
Oh, this is nice. I only read fiction, so things like this instantly appeal to me.



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Kellendraysia (#26554)

King of the Jungle
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Posted on
2014-08-18 15:05:47
Very well done. First person perspective can be a challenge and you have captured it brilliantly. Your pacing is well done and your description is wonderful. It is just the right blend of detail and it really pulls you in in as reader to get to know and understand the narrator.

Keep up the good work! Is there anything you wanted a specific opinion on?



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Edited on 18/08/14 by Kellendraysia (#26554)

HearMeRoar (#27573)

Divine
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Posted on
2014-08-18 15:09:44
So bookmarking this. An amazing beginning and has a beautiful graphic feel to it.



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Wyndy (#8495)

Phoenix
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Posted on
2014-08-18 20:22:38
@Twilight: Thank you c:

@Kellen: Feedback like yours is exactly what I'm looking for! Any crit too would be great. I'm always looking to improve.

@Hear: <3 Thank you so much



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Akayana
~DragonMother~ (#18003)

Usual
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Posted on
2014-08-18 22:35:42
It's a very wonderful passage! As a hook I think it would work for you well. I'm curious as to how the plot advancing will work with this style of first person.

Honestly, I am very very rarely a fan of books written in first person. Be careful not to make the character too unrelatable, but at the same time don't make them freaking Bella Swan that could be any woman in existence.... So good job for keeping me interested through it! Hahaa.

I'm not sure where you are planning to go with the story line, (Obviously, you've only posted one passage.) However If I may recommend, try to expand a bit more on -why- the character is so unhappy being treated like a god. Many people would love to have such a life, some of them could even be your readers. If a reader can be shown why she isn't happy with her life as is, it will make them relate to her better. VS. Leaving them wondering why she'd ever want to leave.



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Attacked By
Vampires🦇⚰ (#39236)

King of the Jungle
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Posted on
2014-08-20 14:30:04
I'm hooked! I wanna read more. Let me know if there is a chance for me to read it. I'm interested in finding out why she hates being treated like that, which is why I'm so fascinated.



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Wyndy [Corrupted
Pearl] (#12183)

Lone Wanderer
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Posted on
2014-08-22 15:18:47
@Aka Thank you so much! That sort of feedback is exactly what I'm looking for. I am planning to explore her character further, but not every chapter is going to be from her point of view, which will hopefully keep the readers hooked. c:

@Cat I'm planning to post all the chapters up on my Wattpad when I've finished it, but I will post maybe the first 10 on this thread if it generates enough interest. Thank you!



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CyberCoreWoxy (#42256)

Usual
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Posted on
2014-08-22 16:12:54
*is instantly hooked*



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Wyndy [Corrupted
Pearl] (#12183)

Lone Wanderer
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Posted on
2014-08-22 16:14:02
@Woxy That's great! Is there any place that you're confused/thinks needs work, though?



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Sedric (the sloth) (#41832)

Sinister
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Posted on
2014-08-29 14:42:54
SEDRIC APPROVES!
But, you really need to just focus on ONE book BooBoo! C:



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Wyndy (#8495)

Phoenix
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Posted on
2014-08-29 14:45:55
@Sed Thanks. c: I can't focus on one books though! I have twelve that I'm working on. ;)



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Sedric (the sloth) (#41832)

Sinister
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Posted on
2014-08-29 14:46:32
Naughty! Just focus on one and finish it! D: Or otherwise you wont finish them at all.



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Wyndy [Corrupted
Pearl] (#12183)

Lone Wanderer
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Posted on
2014-08-29 15:29:45
No, I finish them all. I've finished two, and this one's almost half done.



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Rogue (#39571)

King of the Jungle
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Posted on
2014-08-30 17:58:32
Tagging this so I can unleash my opinionated as--I mean butt on this lovely tid-bit of literature.



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S h i f t (#18066)

Heavenly
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Posted on
2014-08-31 19:24:58
It is very well written! I like the way you put the words, and how you're describing the situation. Bravo! *Claps*



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